Category: family

East of Eden

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Some pieces of literature just stay with you. Maybe it’s when we read them, maybe it’s who recommended them to us, maybe it is something undeniable about the work itself, but for whatever reason we pick these things up and carry them with us.

My first exposure to John Steinbeck, as for many Brits of my generation, was being forced to read ‘Of Mice and Men’ while studying GCSE English. There’s nothing like taking an exam on a book to suck out any joy from it. For better or worse, however, I think I could still answer an essay question on the text almost thirty years later…

Later on, GCSEs a distant memory, in a flurry of Americana, I came back to Steinbeck. I can’t tell you exactly when I started reading East of Eden, regarded by many as his masterpiece, but it was one of those literary experiences where the fabric of the literary world created made me instantly comfortable. Despite the 600 page length of the tome, I was hooked.

While on a long walking trip this year, I listened to the audio book of East of Eden and was reminded of why I remember this book so fondly. When I saw that it was also coming out on Netflix in a new mini-series, I had another reason to come back to the story. It has been an enjoyable experience to talk to friends old and new about it, whether they have slogged through all 600 pages in readiness for the new adaptation, or have just become aware of the novel for the first time.

I think the decision to have the book narrated makes it a very easy story to access. In the novel it is narrated by a grandchild of the central character Samuel Harrison (who is also perhaps Steinbeck himself). In the new TV adaptation, Cathy Ames narrates instead – a decision I was initially shocked by, but on reflection makes sense for the lense that the new show casts over the story.

We all like being told a story. It takes us back to being children and listening to our parents or teachers read to us. I know from my experience as a teacher that even adolescents understand more of what they hear than what they read. Steinbeck tells us the story of East of Eden in a sweeping multi-generational arc, encapsulating the lives of several families across the turn of the 20th Century, mostly in the Salinas valley of California (where Steinbeck lived).

There are ways in which the story is a series of cycles. Fathers and brothers, parents and children, over generations and asking the same questions – can we change? Are we born monsters? What do we pass on to our children and are we doomed to repear the destructive patterns of our forebears?

Through the stories of the Hamiltons, the Trasks and their children, Steinbeck paints a picture of unruly and complicated family life, with the highs and lows that go with it. From the comic antics of the Hamilton boys stealing their ma’s couch, to the fear of flying that beset one of their sisters later in life, to the deadly serious and sinister implications of Cathy’s destructive path through the lives of others in search of an uncertain and elusive independence, the story is often episodic and meandering. But rather than become tiresome, I found that this more fully paints a world of complex diverse characters. The central role played by Lee, a Chinese American in a time of intense racism, is notable, particularly as the story reaches its conclusion.

Cathy is introduced in the following way to the story – note the way Steinbeck even uses ‘I’ as the narrator of the story –

I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads or tiny bodies; some are born with no arms, no legs, some with three arms, some with tails or mouths in odd places. They are accidents and no one’s fault, as used to be thought. Once they were considered the visible punishment for concealed sins.

And then continues a little later –

It is my belief that Cathy Ames was born with the tendencies, or lack of them, which drove and forced her all of her life. Some balance wheel was misweighed, some gear out of ratio. She was not like other people, never was from birth. And just as a cripple may learn to utilize his lack so that he becomes more effective in a limited field than the uncrippled, so did Cathy, using her difference, make a painful and bewildering stir in her world.

When I saw that Florence Pugh was front and centre in every way in the new adaptation of East of Eden – as the face of the show, on the inevitable tie-in edition of the book etc. – as the latest incarnation of Cathy, I was curious and honestly nervous. How can a character written in such a sociopathic fashion be the hero of a story? The first episode starts with Cathy’s narration based on the above quotation from Steinbeck’s original, casting the story as a whole a consideration of monsters and women/men. Once I relaxed into the adaptation I was able to enjoy the reinterpretation of Cathy’s role as an abused women caught in the misogynistic world of 20th Century America – in the show young Cathy is shown being led into the woods by an older boy, insinuating an experience of childhood sexual abuse that is not there in the book (where she is shown manipulating and falsely accusing men).

Cathy is still captivating in her manipulation of those around her, but she is also shown to be a victim of the sexist system in which she is trapped, and which has a very fixed set of expectations of what a women can be and do. None of which involve financial security and independence – the thing that she seems to want the most. Even those who love her – most notably her husband Adam Trask – cannot see her for who she is. Even her monstrous parts do not mean she is a vessel or prop for their hopes and dreams. Her ruthless escape from her otherwise idealised childhood, then later her married life, are undeniably shocking, but made more sense to me in this latest adaptation. What Cathy wants more than anything, and what is denied her, is her independence. Freedom from even the well-meaning men in her life who project onto her what they want to see.

The new adaptation stretched credulity for me a little in the final episode or two with the decision to have Adam’s brother Charles appear to Cathy as a ghostly manifestation of her unravelling sanity, or perhaps as a spectre of lost love – Charles is portrayed in the book, and more so in the TV show, as the only one who could truly have understood Cathy; her equal in some way. It seems a similar decision to the 1955 film adaptation of story, which leans heavily into a love-triangle storyline about Adam and Cathy’s sons and their on/off again love interest Abra. Maybe Cathy is haunted by her lost love or regrets about the ways she has lived, but it seemed a little neat to have Charles be physically manifest in that (I wonder if the filmmakers just wanted more of the admittedly excellent Mike Feist in the role).

On the whole, the new adaptation was highly enjoyable, making the themes and ideas of the original story fresh and vital. The last section of the story, focused on the Trask sons Aron and Cal, was also handled well, made all the better for restoring Lee’s central part to the Trask family and even giving us a view of his travels to San Francisco. Interestingly, the creative mind behind the new series, Zoe Kazan, is the granddaughter of director Elia Kazan who directed the 1955 adaptation – an adaptation which solely focuses on the final section of the story, on the cusp of WW1. Most famous for James Dean’s iconic portrayal of Cal Trask, this version is limited by its short run-time, but still powerfully captures the brotherly rivalry and desperate need for a father’s love that is also shown, somewhat more sympathetically, in the new adaptation.

All in all, I have relished the opportunity to think afresh about this story I love, and can only hope that more people than ever can approach this timeless story and consider what it might mean to them. After all, as Lee says, it is our choices which make us.

Timing

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What can we say about timing? It’s out of our control. Who we meet, when we meet them. Who is that friend of a friend or that person who caught our eye at a coffee shop with curly hair and a nice smile. There’s no point fretting over lost connections or missed opportunities. We meet who we meet, we go where we go.

I have had the right timing on so many occasions and in timing we see or hear God or fate or destiny or something. Sometimes in ‘bad timing’ we see quite the opposite – what we should not be doing.

What timing that L and I met less than five years ago and now we’re attending weddings in Portugal and eating fondue in France. Both involving regrettable amounts of cheese, but also the foundations for life-long friendship.

What timing that I met C at the gym, then we both went to Robyn in London, all leading to a well-timed opportunity for friendship and independence.

What timing that I met R and K at a homegroup in Prague more than ten years ago… who would have guessed the family I had just found?

Happy timing has led to friends at Greenbelt, in Bristol, in New York, London and Porto. These are happy moments to be treasured and celebrated.

Good timing has also led me to a place running the London Marathon next year – how happy that is, we shall see…

So I am reminding myself to focus on these happy moments and not to fret the what ifs or envy the timings of others, their love stories or opportunities.

I am trying to celebrate the happy timing I do get to enjoy.

Quarantime

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It may be oft repeated at the moment, but it is truly hard to believe that the past month has, well, been the past month. The fact that I went on a trip to Jordan in February and was planning to currently be in Korea on another seems, frankly, absurd. We have indeed moved to the other side.

How fast things have been changing was illustrated to me most clearly when I had a conversation with my parents in the UK in early March. By that time, the Czech Republic had instituted a strict lockdown and everyone had to wear masks outside. The pandemic had truly hit home here, despite relatively low numbers infected. Yet there my parents were, planning trips and events all week long. It felt like I was talking to myself in the past, grimacing and shouting ‘cancel it all!’ Needless to say, the very next day Boris Johnson announced a similar lockdown in the UK.

My experience of the quarantine has gone through several stages. I have to preface all this by saying that I one of the very lucky ones. I can work from home. I am not worried about bills. I am not in a vulnerable group. My job is to stay home for the sake of others. And to support those less fortunate in any way I can.

The initial stage of pandemic-fever which gripped me was an almost physical anxiety as I watched all my plans and normal routines crumble. This is perhaps the ‘panic buying toilet paper’ phase of quarantine. Though in my case it was more like panic buying wine… It felt like everything I knew and understood was changing daily as the government announced progressively more strict measures. The ‘home learning plan’ we had prepared at work suddenly became very real.

This probably lasted for a week or so and it was strange to see it replayed in my home nation a week or two later, as everyone queued outside Waitrose and shared the location of ample loo roll supplies with a mad sense of urgency. Yet actually, once it became clear that working from home was workable, and that I was actually more than capable of feeding myself adequately, a strange and welcome calm settled in.

I have been reflecting that I have actually not been this relaxed since, perhaps, childhood. Thinking about a situation like this a few months ago would have horrified me. What about meeting up with friends for a drink? Restaurants and cinemas? I’ll just be so bored! Yet there is something very reassuring and welcome about a very slow daily routine completely free from busyness and indeed FOMO. There are simply no events to miss.

Yes there is so much disappointment going around, but there is at least equality of disappointment. Everything is cancelled. Of course, to those whose weddings have been cancelled or who can’t attend funerals of loved ones, this is so much more difficult. I know I have it so easy. I feel guilty about that. But I also know that my role is to stay home and hold my slight disappointments very lightly. And maybe to order Uber Eats from my favourite restaurants who are struggling through.

So here’s where I am now. I think I have reached the peak ‘quarantime’ place where this is just, well, normal. The fact that I know it will not last forever is a welcome comfort, but there’s some small part of me that will be sad to go back to a busy and rushed routine. I know that we need to get there as soon as is safe for all those who are suffering, and of course I am in awe of the health carers, supermarket employees, and postal workers who are keeping us going and keeping us sane at the moment, yet this unique time is going to be remembered.

I hope the legacy is one for me of valuing the really important things; of taking my time, not rushing through conversations with friends and family, reminding myself, at risk of cliche, that the simple things are the most important.

So I’m praying for those in need and at risk, supporting them in the simple ways I can, staying home, and trying to make the best of it. In this strangely calm apocalypse we find ourselves, that’s all I can do.

Photo is by my amazing friend Eli – see her pictures here – https://seasidewildflower.com/

The Grey

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I wonder if my dream will come true this side of heaven. I wonder if heaven is there to be honest. I understand more than ever the desire, both inside and outside the church, to bring ‘heaven on earth.’ To make the world a more happy and tolerant and loving place. I see how this desire leads to people idolising marriage or rejecting it as an outdated thing, I see how it leads to people having babies or choosing not to, I see how it leads to people becoming missionaries in far flung and dangerous places or to take to the streets in a pride march in a place where they might face similar danger. We all want to make the world a better place. What would that better world look like in my dream?

I think it might be something like this. So many of my insecurities, both self and other inflicted, come from expectations. Expectations from my own heart, from the church, from the world, from movie, hell, from Instagram. I expected my life to go a particular way until, well, it didn’t.

Perhaps the biggest area this has been hard for me is in relationships (of the romantic kind.) Everyone, myself included, is just obsessed. Everywhere you look, from the most conservative Christian, to the most postmodern atheist, the focus is on just the one thing, or so it seems. My perception, as someone looking in from the outside, is that the one thing everyone values highest is the thing I don’t have. So dramatic, I know.

As much as I appreciate people like Emma Watson saying she is happing ‘self-partnered’ – and we need to value each opportunity to big up those currently single – the answer is somehow bigger. What if we could truly free ourselves from these expectations? How many sons, daughters, friends, would feel less like a person-in-waiting if they were freed from the pressure to find someone? How many people would be willing to take a risk on actually meeting someone if they were freed from the pressure of finding ‘the one’? How many marriages would be improved if we were freed from our insecurities that we married the wrong person?

I dream of a world where we are just, well, people. Each precious. Not a half-person in sight. Not a waiting person, nor one who is too damaged. Too ugly. Not cool enough. Whatever.

I have glimpsed the reasons the world, and the church, is so in love with, well, love. Of course there are so many good things; the companionship, the love, the romance, the fact that someone is there, the family life. I get it. I don’t want to tear down marriage. I want to celebrate when my friends get married. But I want to be freed from the inescapable heartache that comes for so many when that happens. Why should we feel left behind? I wish I could reset my heart and remove this part. My head knows that I am no less a person than my married or coupled friends, but I don’t think my heart realises.

I dream of a place where each one is truly valued equally, yes irrespective of sexuality, race, gender, but also ‘relationship status.’ There are so many who are in pain every day, whether that’s because they jumped at a relationship that was wrong, or were afraid to jump at all.

In so many areas I feel like we need to recognise the grey. The fact that nothing is simple and everything seems blurry sometimes. This area of life is so significant and yet so nebulous for so many. So let’s talk about it, let’s try and be better where we can, let’s speak to our hearts and our friends. Let’s try to be more comfortable with the grey, because grey can be beautiful too.

It’s People

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What makes you happy? How do you relax? What’s it all about? What are you doing this weekend?

All questions of varying depth and seriousness, which I’ve come to think have one common theme in the answer. It’s people.

It’s not really about opinions, beliefs or preferences, it’s just common sense. When it comes down to it, we are made to love and to live with other people. Not just to succeed as ambitious individuals, to just look out for ourselves, or even to prioritise ‘self-care’. We’re made to be part of a community of people, some the same and some very different, taking steps along the wandering road of life together.

What that looks like is different for everyone and at different times of life. For me right now, it looks like a community of individuals, couples, families and others, doing life together. It’s frustrating in many ways, especially trying to navigate different cultural expectations and backgrounds, but rewarding in more.

I still feel lonely much of the time. Does that mean I haven’t found ‘the one’ yet, or the right community even? I’m not sure it does. I think it means that I’m learning that there is no such thing. That everyone carries with them a burden of loneliness. We’re the only ones inside our own heads and there’s no way to change that. Yes, having a significant other is good. That burden can feel lighter. But the burden can be even lighter if we have a community of people who know and love us, both friends, lovers, and family.

That’s where our cultural reverence of romantic love falls short; one other isn’t enough. We need people. Lots of people. Diverse and wonderful and difficult people.

Yes we need the friends who are easy, who don’t challenge us very much, with whom we can quote ‘Friends’ endlessly and sing along to Celine Dion, but we also need the friends who are older and wiser, who can question and confront us. Who can push us when we need it, or hold us back.

To be quite honest, I feel some pity for myself in the past. I feel my past loneliness more now that the heavy load has been shared amongst trusted companions. I wonder what my future self will feel when he looks back on me now. I hope he will feel similarly. That there is more and deeper sharing to come. I have to admit that one of my greatest fears is that this is the best it’ll get.

I worry because it’s people. The best and hardest part of life. How to love and live and relate with those so similar and yet so different from us? I am hopeful and thankful and joyful because of the people I’m blessed to know, excited about those I’m yet to meet, already mourning those I’ll lose. I’m willing to take the risks.

I take comfort in the fact that now my heart has known so many wonderful souls, there’s no way back to the loneliness I might have felt. Not truly. For as I’m known and loved and walked beside, my burdens and stories are shared, remembered, treasured.

People can move on, let us down, disappear, but we are blessed with the chance to be friends, if even for a short time. Let’s make the most of that.

All the light we can see

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“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5

I love the light.

I love how it transforms things all around us.

How flowers bloom in the sunlight, brightening the grey streets and bare trees, reminding me that Spring is truly on the way.

How sunlight, even through closed windows, makes me feel warm in a way quite unlike anything else.

How it transforms everything it touches.

How it makes me feel like I just want to hit the beach (even when it’s March and I’m in a land-locked country.)

How fireworks turn darkness into a canvas for awe and wonder.

How light enables us to capture images of beauty, wherever we are, whether it’s people we love, things that make us laugh, or incredible natural wonders.

How the sunrise represents a brand new start, a new hope, a new opportunity to experience God’s goodness.

I was reminded of this viscerally while celebrating Christ’s resurrection at dawn this Easter Sunday. As the sun rose over Letná Park, the rays broke through the trees (and eventually the fog) to flood the city with myriad shades of light. Even though we were all shivering, the sheer wonder of the vistas opening before us were cause for great joy. Just as Jesus is victorious over darkness and death, darkness we are constantly reminded of in these times of fear, the dawn is victorious over the darkness every single morning.

Even if the view isn’t as spectacular as it was in the park, the dawn is inevitable.

Even when we lie awake full of anxiety and fear, the dawn is inevitable.

Even if the darkness feels so deep and so long, like a winter night, the dawn is inevitable.

Christ has risen. The darkness is defeated. The light I can see reminds me of this. It reminds me to love boldly and fiercely, it reminds me to laugh, it reminds me to cry with those in pain. It gives me hope. The dawn is coming and the darkness cannot overcome it.

The dawn is all the more amazing after the dark and cold nights of winter, just as the great dawn to come should seem sweeter in these dark times of fear and hurt. May I remember that when the sunlight isn’t shining. May we all.

As Spring truly takes hold and the days are more filled with beauty and wonder, as the trees blossom and the beach calls, I pray that I remember the wonder of dawn on that cold morning. How the darkness was defeated, how it gave me hope.

Reflections in Murky Water

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I was looking forward to time away over the summer for many reasons; the reliable sunshine, the travelling, the chance to see friends and family, the barbecues, and not least, the chance to reflect on life here in Prague. It’s a teacher perk, the long summer, providing the perfect opportunity to get some distance from the day-to-day and to consider the past and the future. I was so fortunate to have a full six weeks away, travelling around in the USA, Israel and the UK, and I was eager to seek God’s will for my future in that time.

I often find it really hard to spend time with God on holiday, when routine is interrupted and breakfasts move closer to the afternoon than in term time, and this was certainly the case this summer. As has been the case for the past year, I have found my relationship with God far too one sided; God being good to me and I only belatedly realising just what he has given me and done in and around me, if I notice at all. My half-hearted attempts at connecting with God amounted to reading the Bible in a hap-hazard manner and attending church wherever I ended up. Yet as I look back I am yet again amazed how God has been gently changing my thoughts, actions and viewpoint over the summer.

On my travels I was lucky enough to visit San Francisco, somewhere I had long wanted to visit, perhaps due to my love for the rather naff Bond movie A View to a Kill, featuring, among other things, a blimp battle atop the Golden Gate Bridge. I was struck while there just how far I was away from ‘home.’ By the time I made it there I hadn’t been back to the UK in over eight months, not that long in the grand scheme, but still the longest I’d actually been out of the country. My homesickness wasn’t painful, more wistful and bittersweet perhaps. When I arrived back in the UK for a visit a few weeks ago, I was again surprised at my depth of feeling for the land of my birth, and by just how nice it felt to be home (it may have helped that I went straight from the airport to a National Trust property, proceeded to have a walk in the rain, followed by a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Some stereotypes are true.)

This came as a surprise mostly because this last year has been a whirlwind of new and wonderful experiences, as I have settled into Prague and my new job. My thoughts went along the lines of ‘This is so great, why would I ever go home?!’ Yet it’s clear that home has a strong pull on me and the week or so I spent in the UK was perhaps the sweetest of my summer. God exposed my heart and I was surprised at the attractiveness of moving home and being in this place where everything is just more familiar and where I fit just a little bit more nicely.

I don’t know if I will stay or go, both hold real attractions and benefits. God has been so good in blessing me with opportunities both here in Prague and at home, and he was so faithful in helping me to reflect over the summer, pretty much despite my feeble efforts. I think I have a tendency to look inside myself when I seek to reflect. What do I want? What thing would be best for me? I have been challenged to look to God, in his word and in his person, as I seek to understand myself and my place in the world (both literally and figuratively.)

After the summer I feel less sure than ever about where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to do. But maybe that’s a good thing. My prayer is that in the uncertainty and indecision I would seek God and allow his will to lead my actions, and that through the process, my love for and trust in him would grow as well.

 

A Nottingham Epilogue

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I was encouraged recently to realise that, if we’re leaving a place for the right reasons, then we’re leaving because of the friends we leave behind, the experiences we’ve had. They’ve been preparing us, shaping us, helping us, to be ready for the new challenges we face. We’re not running away, but pushing doors, not fleeing difficulty, but seeking challenge. Our friends don’t stop being friends, in fact seeing them just becomes more special in the new context we find ourselves. Moments more treasured.

As I reflect on my eight years here I am amazed how much God has been changing me and opening my eyes to the diversity, complexity and joy of this world. Through hard times and good I have been blessed with great friends, reminding me of God’s love, my sinfulness and the joy to be found in all of life’s quirks and randomness. For day trips, meals out, random encounters, film nights, pizza nights, holidays, bad days, good days, I thank you all. As a reward, please accept free accommodation in Prague…

I read a really interesting article about how our 20s are the most formative years of our lives and it has been a delight discovering who God made me with you all (http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/20-things-every-twentysomething-should-have). These eight years have enabled me to grow in confidence, explore creativity, go on a lot of trips to the pick and mix shop, expand my horizons in many a way, not to mention getting half decent at teaching (a more nomadic friend of mine recently commented ‘You have a profession!” Yikes! Am I supposed to be professional then?). Wonderful experiences all, on reflection.

This is not an end, but a beginning, not a full stop, but a comma. A new opportunity to enjoy God’s bountiful goodness, a new perspective to appreciate the truth of the gospel, and an opportunity to meet, and be met by, fellow travellers. I’m not looking to reinvent myself or leave behind my boring life, but just to step out on faith, as I am.

It has been a delight saying goodbye this week – I have spent wonderful times with wonderful people who are so dear to me. I am sad to leave, of course, but I am expectant of God’s goodness because I can see how he has used each person and situation here in Nottingham to enable me to reach this point. So it’s your fault I’m brave enough to leave really…

And I’ll be back. Count on it.

Christmas Time (Or what happened when we got Bop-It)

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Do you remember Bop-It? It was around a few years back, very addictive and quickly irritating? Well, Mum thought it would be a good present to us all this Christmas.

You basically have to hold a sideways-S shaped controller and follow a rather irritating American man’s instructions to pull/twist/spin/flick or bop. If you fail you get mildly insulted by the machine and promptly feel obliged to have another go.

My mum perhaps didn’t count on my sister’s incredible competitiveness (and like Monica from Friends her favourite kind of competition is with herself) or the newly minted ‘Party’ mode (you use assorted body parts to really ‘Bop-it’).

We are a family of game lovers, and have often ended up howling with laughter/frustration during a board game or two. Perhaps my sister should stick to board games because she has become a bit of a Bop-It ninja. On the other hand, she has managed to turn it into an hilarious spectator sport.

On beating her high-score she was heard to yell “YEEESSSS!” in a rather manly register, sadly while filmed by her understanding boyfriend. Cue endlessly re-watchable hilarity and a perfect Snapchat opportunity.

Later she broke through the 100 ‘Bops’ barrier and celebrated with (and bear in mind she is a none-more white middle class medical student) an attempted finger flicking celebration of the type more commonly used by 90s scallys. Her thoughtful brother handily caught that on video too…

So thanks Mum and little sister for really bopping up my Christmas. I may just have to start filming more people while playing games. Though I suspect I would have to wait a long time for a similar moment of hilarity during a game of Scrabble. But then again my grandma is coming to stay today, so anything could happen…

Merry Christmas!